To build something new

All else must crumble

The work site gets messy

Piles of tools, garbage, rubble

You’ll want it all to disappear

Go back to how it was

Before you knew

What was expected of you

Ah, to be ignorant

It truly is bliss

Behaviors the old you had no issue with

Demand to be seen

You can’t afford to be

Indulgent

Rough callouses paint the pads of each fingertip

And it hurts when you grip

So don’t hold on too tightly

To anything

We must bend and twist like the Willow

Be sturdy like the Oak

Sit long hours

In the great unknown

The rebuild asks

“What do you see next?”

A question that leads to further questions

Throwing away the cigarettes

Frequenting the bars less

Being alone rather than jumping

From relationship to relationship

Stop hopping around

And throw yourself down

From this jagged, ancient cliff

The building begins

This very moment

It began long ago

The building will begin again, you know

And so will the fall

Reach for the closest protruding rock

Find a good foothold and climb up

Sometimes you’ll fall lower than before

Other times you’ll feel like you’re flying

Or slipping

Or dying

Be grateful for it, all of it

Because it all matters

Along with all the things that make you feel

Like a total disaster

It’ll be over soon

Then you’ll feel it all again

The flowers will bloom

Storm clouds make room

For all life to flourish

Be patient

And allow it

To all fall down

No matter where you are in this world, every culture, every civilisation, has an understanding of the soul.

But did you know it is only here in the West, where we believe there is only one soul, rather than three?

The three souls are as follows:

• The Ancestral Soul- (Lower World) consists of our mother and father, and all our kin all the way back to the very beginning of our genetic makeup.

• The Celestial Soul- (Upper World) this is comprised of all the lives we have ever lived.

• The Vital Soul- who we are in this life.

The ancestral soul of the mother and the ancestral soul of the father meet and begin creating a shared soul.

When the child is born, a celestial soul begins to fuse with the new ancestral soul created from the union of both parents.

The vital soul is then formed.

This is also the birth of the personality, or ego, which occurs when we are first separated from that ancestral soul and have our first experience with the individuated self.

A lot of the work a shaman does is connected to these three souls, as well as the invisible wound that forms around the time the ego, or personality, begins to develop.

The Call of the Spirits

Something my teacher often says is: “I would not wish being a shaman on anyone”.

Let me explain:

A shaman is not something one can become simply because they have a desire to.

It is an obligation.

One does not and cannot ignore the call of the spirits. Believe me, many have tried.

In my case, I felt a colossal vacancy within me, a void I spent decades trying to fill.

I searched and searched for what was missing, and when I found my teacher, I knew I had found it.

As I progressed with my training, my first Ongod appeared, and soon after, the second.

It became crystal clear that the emptiness I had felt since I was a little girl was that door that separated me from my ongods… the door they had been knocking on my entire life.

The Work Of The Shaman

“No book or workshop can make you into a shaman...becoming a post tribal shaman requires the talent, the call and the training from which the necessary skills may be developed”

-Kenn Day

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I suppose I could be considered lucky in some ways. I found my teacher young, at age 24, and began my studies within a year of meeting him.

This is a rare occurrence, and one I give thanks for often.

Kenn has over 40 years of experience teaching PTS and my studies are far from over.

Interestingly, in all his years of teaching, the number of full-fledged shamans who have graduated under Kenn’s tutelage amount to a whopping 3.

Contrary to popular belief, thanks to New Age spirituality and an ever-expanding melting pot of healers and light workers, shamans and “shamanic healing” is actually not common.

In fact, it is one of my greatest pet peeves- how lightly the word ‘shaman’ is tossed around these days.

Shaman Sickness

The attempt to bury the connection to the spirits, or to not hear the call at all, is what leads to what we call shaman sickness.

Shaman sickness is what occurs when the spirits keep knocking on a door that has gone unanswered for too long.

This manifests as intense psychological stress, trauma, chronic pain, illness, and in severe cases, death.

“The more pain and suffering a shaman takes upon himself during his training the greater his shamanic powers”

- Holger Kalweit.

Suffering and shamanism go hand in hand.

This is why my teacher loves to speak about animism, the foundational root from which shamanism emerges.

Animism is the notion that everything, and I mean everything, is alive and imbued with spirit.

People can study animism, and even take the entire PTS series, and utilise these teachings to create beautiful changes in and provide healing for their community.

They can do this even without having an Ongod, and it is more than enough should they have a desire to be of service.

It is a far less rocky road and one that is very beautiful and transformative for themselves and those they touch with their healing abilities.

Pet Peeves

Many people who call themselves shamans are actually animists, using the improper word for what they are doing.

Far more often, we see “shamans” who are doing little more than creative visualisation and possess a knack for the art of performance.

When watching my teacher go into an altered state of consciousness, when witnessing the invocation of his Ongod, Grandfather Shespa, there is no denying that a significant shift has occurred in his body.

He does this without the use of any plant medicine or hallucinogens; it is with his own windhorse, jinshen, chi, that the Post-Tribal Shaman performs the healing.

There is one sure-fire way to know whether one is truly a shaman: when they call on the spirits, the spirits answer.

People will bring home plant medicine native to the Amazon river basin and call themselves shamans, charging a fee to provide “shamanic healing” with the plants and their drums.

But… where are the spirits?

Nowhere to be found.

In fact, the plant spirits are not fond of being taken from their home and used for material gain.

There is such thing as honouring the spirits- and many people do not realise that each and every plant belongs to a Greater Plant Spirit.

The same is true for the animals.

There may be millions of squirrels on our Mother Earth, but they all belong to the one Greater Squirrel Spirit in the Lower World.

This is why we must honor all of nature.

Final Notes

The shaman understands one thing above all else:

we all emerge from the same place, and it is to this place we return.

Spirit exists in everything. This is universal law.

The first transmission my teacher ever received from his Ongod, Grandfather Shespa is this:

“There is only one center. It just happens to be everywhere”.

This is the teaching us students of PTS always circle back to, and never forget.

For it is within this center that all matter, all energy, all life, exists.

It is this center that we become one with during group meditation and it is this center that exists in every heart of every person on this planet.

Simple, yet complex.

Impossible to intellectualise because it is not something our minds are meant to understand nor our voices put into words.

It’s something only our souls can truly know.

To connect with Kenn Day or to learn more about PTS, refer to his website, shamanstouch.com or purchase his book: Post-Tribal Shamanism: A New Look at the Old Ways.

I offer 1:1 healing sessions virtually through Zoom.

More information on the services I provide can be found here.

** My Soul-Self Tribe receives 2 complimentary healing sessions per year **

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A shaman is a person who has been called by the spirits, typically at or before the time of their birth, to do some sort of work for their community.

This work requires 2 things:

• The shaman (to be) must find a living, human teacher to mentor them. (Mine is Kenn Day. You can find more information on him here). The mentor will help the person become aware of and work with the spirit (or spirits) that has chosen them to do the work.

• Through their studies, the shaman learns how to enter purposeful trance states in which they journey into the spirit world and bring back information, causing changes within themselves and their community.

So, What Is Post-Tribal Shamanism?

To understand this we must first take a look at Western civilisation.

Those of us here in the West intrinsically understand the feeling of separation. Separation from family, separation from community, from self, from nature, from Spirit.

Closely-knit communities living in a tribal setting have a natural understanding of the interconnectedness of all things.

They live the entirety of their lives connected to Nature with awareness of and deep respect for the spirits.

Children are raised knowing their mother and father, both sets of grandparents, and grow up hearing stories of the ancestors before them.

Westerners on the other hand are more of a melting pot of all different kinds of backgrounds.

Question marks paint patterns in our family trees, loved ones go decades without speaking, and most of us cannot wait to leave the nest.

“Modern life is lived cut off from our ancestors, the earth and other elements of what once made life worth living”

-Kenn Day, Post-Tribal Shamanism: A New Look at the Old Ways.

We naturally hunger for these missing pieces as we struggle to live in a mechanomorphic world.

Post-Tribal Shamanism offers a way forward, so that we may live a more meaningful life no longer cut off from everything our souls hunger for.

It brings awareness to all that is out of alignment and calls home the pieces that have wandered off, bringing us deeper into wholeness and nurturing our connection with all that is.

The Invisible Wound

Before being birthed into this world, we are one with the divine.

There is no separation, there is no sense of self.

As we grow, we begin to identify with certain traits and characteristics.

This egoic self is what we call the personality.

The personality learns from its immediate environment in the impressionable first years and due to societal norms/expectations, forgets that we are so much more than the physical body… and there is so much more than this physical world.

A small part of us remembers what it is like to be whole, and it is this part that longs to feel it again.

This hunger is what exists at the root of all addiction and self-destructive behavior.

Healing the invisible wound is the core value of the Post-Tribal Shaman.

Opening Inner Doorways

In the Post-Tribal Shamanism training series, the very first thing Kenn teaches us is the difference between shamanic journeying and creative visualisation.

Creative visualisation is a wonderful tool capable of providing beautiful shifts in our internal world.

Shamanic journeying on the other hand brings us deeper.

An exercise Kenn does to show the difference between the two is as follows:

Close your eyes. Now, imagine you are sitting in a grassy field. Stand up, and take a few steps forward; there is a tree just ahead. Look at the tree, and with your mind, move that tree six feet to the left.

With creative visualization, this is easy to do, for everything we see with our mind we are capable of manipulating.

Following this, he will guide us into our inner world through a doorway in our heart center. On the other side of this doorway, we arrive in our inner spiritual body.

There are multiple doors we travel through and ultimately we find ourselves in a different world, emerging in our outer shamanic body, the body that allows us to engage in spirit flight.

For a reason Kenn does not know, every person who has ever taken his workshops over the last 40 years arrives in the same place.

We call it Lodge.

As we stand here in Lodge, the first thing we become aware of is a huge and powerful presence right in the center of this dome-like shelter.

This presence is the World Tree.

As we approach the World Tree, Kenn then instructs us to move it six feet to the left.

We very quickly learn that this is impossible.

The reason is simple- the World Tree is real.

Many people who call what they are doing “shamanic journeying” or “shamanic drumming” are actually just utilising creative visualisation.

These “journeys” they take their clients on may provide healing and transformation, but they are not shamanic. Drumming can only be shamanic if there is a drum spirit awakened in their drum, and the person directly engages this spirit in their work.

Unfortunately, 80% of the time, this is not the case.

The Three Worlds

The shaman will journey between the Upper, Middle, and Lower World to become aware of what is otherwise hidden in our normal state of consciousness.

This allows us to address wounds, perform soul retrieval, and communicate with the ancestors and other helping spirits, directly engaging a client’s soul (or souls) in their process of healing.

Traveling In The Spirit Realm:

From Lodge, the way up or down is through the World Tree, and the way out leads to the Middle World.

In other shamanic traditions such as with the Darkhad Shamans in Mongolia, it is common to don armour when engaging in spirit flight. This is because they are opening a doorway and jumping right in, not knowing what they will run into on the other side.

Since this is dangerous, it is imperative they wear protective gear which houses their helping spirits who follow them through this doorway and protect them, fighting off any spirits that mean them harm.

In the teachings Kenn received from his Ongod, Grandfather Shespa, there is no need for spirit armour because we have the protection of the World Tree.

Think of it this way:

I am journeying, and there is a trickster spirit with ill-intentions. It moves closer, and closer, and suddenly, it notices a huge powerful presence behind me. This is the World Tree, and the spirit immediately begins backing away.

On day 1 of Opening Inner Doorways, Kenn attaches a cord to each of us. One end is connected to the World Tree, the other is attached just above the navel. If at any point in a journey we feel we have wandered too far and cannot sense the way back, we need only tug on this cord, and the World Tree guides us back to Lodge.

The Middle World:

When we arrive in Lodge, we are standing in the Middle World. The Middle World is like a reflection of our physical world, where we can find the spirits that already exist there, only their presence is much more clear.

We can then open a doorway in the wall surrounding the World Tree and journey within this world. We can engage with the spirits such as Land Spirits and Nagas (nature spirits) which take up residence in both the world as we know it and simultaneously in the Middle World.

Similarly, our ancestors which are connected with us through our ancestral soul and therefore are always with us, also exist in the Lower World.

The Lower World:

To move into the Lower World, we approach the World Tree and ask it to open a doorway. When it opens, we walk directly into the trunk of the great tree. This inner plane holds a spiral staircase.

To go down, we begin our descent in a counter-clockwise path until we sense we have reached the bottom, at the roots of the World Tree.

This realm is where we can find our ancestors, the Greater Plant Spirits, The Greater Animal Spirits, and tree spirits (I often visit the Ogam grove, where I work with the Celtic/Druid tree teachers). I will go more into detail in a later article, but the Lower World has a dense energy and is where the majority of the work is done within our souls, as much of the trauma and wounds we carry are associated with our ancestral soul.

Often, a shaman will find that the spirit that called them to this work is an Ancestral Ongod. To meet with and receive the teachings/transmissions from this ancestor, the shaman will journey to their ancestral soul in the Lower World. Since this ancestor is always with them, it is also rather easy to just tune in to that connection by bringing awareness to either the left (for the mother’s side of the lineage) or the right (father’s) shoulder. This is where our ancestors are- behind us; always.

The Upper World:

To journey to the Upper World, we simply repeat the process backwards. We open the doorway in the World Tree, and ascend the spiral staircase, clockwise. We will notice the energy shift and become lighter the higher we go. We emerge at the top of the World Tree, and nearby is a fountain.

This fountain is where I regularly go to refill my gourd, which I carry around my neck on my shamanic body. I use this for offerings, typically in the Lower World when I visit the tree teachers and plant allies.

The Upper World is the realm of the dieties, Ascended Masters, our Celestial Soul, and Ongods connected with our Celestial Soul, as is the case for myself as well as my teacher.

The process of receiving the teachings of a Celestial Ongod is a bit more difficult than an Ancestral Ongod. This is because it is easier to connect with the Ancestral Soul than the Celestial Soul, as our Vital and Ancestral Souls are more directly entwined.

Ah, yes… the souls. We’ll get to that in Part 2.

This is part one of Post-Tribal Shamanism. In the sequel we will cover the work required on this path, the three souls, navigating the call of the spirits, ways in which we can be of service when we do not have an Ongod, and clarifying terminology.

You can find and purchase Kenn’s book here.

I offer 1:1 healing sessions virtually through Zoom.

More information on the services I provide can be found here.

I remember because just before attending his workshop, I had been basking in its rays, mind reeling from the bliss that had seeped into every pore of my being.

It was my first time at a pagan festival, one my father introduced me to when he noticed my interest in spirituality.

I had received so much information that I needed to lay in the grass and digest it all before following my dad to the North Pavilion that afternoon.

Kenn was not what I had expected after reading the word “shaman” in the booklet.

I imagined an eccentric, with multicolored beads, a fringed vest and large hat adorned with many feathers.

He was, in lack of a better description, an older gentleman with one clouded blue eye and, indeed, a nice hat, though not peculiar-looking in the slightest.

Though not overly embellished or oozing with an otherworldly presence, one could tell by the way he carried himself that he was no ordinary speaker at this festival.

I felt like a child entering the hut of the storyteller, quietly finding my place as I patiently waited for him to begin.

He began by sharing the first transmission he had ever received from his Ongod, or spirit ally, Grandfather Shespa:

“There is only one center; it just happens to be everywhere”.

As he clarified what he meant by that, I felt my inner sensors going haywire.

I knew somehow in these moments, that all my searching and studying in recent years - of shadow work, astrology, mythology, esotericism, Ayurveda, and various cultures and religions - had led me here, to this place… to this shaman.

At the conclusion of his workshop, I practically ran to him with my questions, perhaps the most important being: “how can I become your student?”

When I was told the cost and location for his workshops, I knew it would be some time before I’d be able to swing it.

I lived in Rochester, New York and didn’t have my own vehicle, and his workshop series took place in Cincinnati, Ohio.

It was something that would require traveling between the two states every couple of months.

Though not possible for me to go just yet, I knew with all my heart the time would soon come.

In the meantime, I committed myself to my own healing, through my own modalities.

Never would I have imagined that just one year later, I would be taking the 8 hour drive to Cincinnati.

I became acquainted with a gentleman who was an artist and had similar interests as myself, which I had found to be quite rare in my life.

Typically I kept my viewpoints and findings to myself out of fear of being seen as too “out-there”, desiring greatly to fit in.

With him, I could be myself.

He was also the first man who ever treated me with true kindness and zero judgement or ridicule.

We became inseparable.

I invited him to the yearly pagan festival and just like myself, he was captivated by the teachings of Post-Tribal Shamanism.

We were officially dating by then and he ensured that we would begin our studies with Kenn at the start of the next cohort.

Not only was he thoughtful, kind, and made me feel seen, valued, and respected, but he was a provider- something else I was not accustomed to.

I was used to doing everything myself, taking care of those around me, giving giving giving until I bled.

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I remember the first time he bought me flowers.

I was dumbfounded. I couldn’t for the life of me understand why.

“I just thought of you. I wanted you to have something beautiful”.

It was easy for me to be at peace with such a person.

His tender-hearted affection was a foreign feeling to me, and something I had to get used to: being taken care of.

The Post-Tribal Shamanism workshop series consists of 9 weekend workshops: each workshop is two days long with a 2-3 month break in between to account for the “digesting of the teachings” and to put to practice the tools we are given.

It typically takes about a year and a half to 2 years to complete.

These teachings have dramatically transformed my life.

They provided the answer to the unknown question I wore like a shroud for as long as I could remember.

I experienced countless trials and tribulations that always propelled me forward into new territory- a constant ebb and flow that never became boring.

I discovered what those inner voices were that I had been hearing/feeling/sensing since I was a child: my Ongods.

I will wrap this up here; in my next article I will go into more detail regarding my studies with Kenn and what it means to be a shaman. Stay tuned, and thank you for being here!

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^The Post-Tribal Shamanism cohort of 2024/2025

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The pages of my notebook had been filing for years with dark memories of my childhood as a form of therapy, and one day, something dawned on me…

The man I had been writing about - whose actions provided countless horror stories on college ruled paper - was nothing like me.

He was strict, oppressive, violent. He had blond hair, icy blue eyes and pale skin.

We couldn’t possibly be more different.

I always knew my siblings and I took after our mother’s indigenous features, and it had always been known my brother, the eldest of us, was our half sibling, but this was different.

Even my sister’s face, hair and mannerisms held hints of him.

The way she walked mirrored our grandmother’s gait. Her way of speaking was similar to our father’s.

Her smile, her need for things to go ‘right’, the glint in her eye when she became annoyed with something small and insignificant.

I just couldn’t shake the feeling that he was not my father. In fact, I prayed for it.

The more I leaned in to my suspicion, the more my soul called out for what was missing from my life.

I could feel the truth of it in my bones, by the sadness in my heart.

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My mother had recently gotten out of jail for the third or fourth time that Winter, and I confronted her when we were out at the theatre with my Nana in the Spring.

“Mama, who is my actual dad?”

She failed horribly to mask her surprise. It was answer enough by her nervousness that my hunch was correct.

It didn’t take long for me to receive valuable information. A name, the band he was in, how to contact him.

I sent him a long message on Facebook the next day and it took him quite some time to respond (the shock, of course).

Oh, once his surprise wore off, he was furious. Not towards me, but towards my mother.

^^ Now that? That is my Dad. This is my favorite photo of him from when he was young. It captures his spirit so beautifully. My Pisces father with one foot in both worlds. ^^

Now try to imagine that whimsical looking man shaking with rage. It’s hard, nearly impossible, I know.

Hearing my story, listening to my Nana recount the years, sitting with that feeling of helplessness, wishing he could turn back the clock.

He had no idea I existed. He missed my entire childhood. It broke his heart.

I can’t begin to imagine how it must feel, to stare at your child, all grown up, and see 18 years of pain hidden in their eyes.

If you look closely, it is there. A father can surely see it.

He spent years feeling guilt for things he had no idea had been happening.

“If only i had known”.

“I could have protected her”.

“It’s all my fault”.

I didn’t know it then, but years later he told me it was Beltane, a Pagan holiday, the day he received my message.

^^^ myself on the left, little sister Liv on the right. 8 years after our meeting, braiding the maypole together on Beltane, 2024^^^

Beltane- Bright Fire. The peak of Spring and beginning of summer.

Occurring on May 1st, Beltane symbolises fertility, passion, growth and renewal.

How beautiful, that on this day, his missing daughter finds her way home?

By finding my birth father, I also gained 2 sisters.

My brother was still alive at the time, and if I could change one thing, and one thing only, it would be for my brother and father to have been able to meet.

My relationship with Kris was still a bit rocky, and my dad had little Livvy at home and a busy life.

Still, he made it to my graduation, even when my mother could not.

He was always there, just a phone call away, when I was at my lowest moments.

He accepted my older sister, Kayla, into his heart with open arms.

Though they don’t share DNA, she took her place as fourth daughter.

Besides, it makes for an even crew of two blonds and two brunettes:

On either side of my lineage, there is a connection to Spirit. It is not surprising then, that I naturally became interested in this world.

As my dad became aware of this, he invited me to a week-long pagan festival in the summer of 2023.

It was the first one in three years due to Covid.

My world was shaken.

Have you ever gone to a place, met a person, witnessed something, that brought to life every nerve ending in your body?

Such an event that makes your heart seem to grow enormous in size and stokes the fires deep in your belly?

This was such a place for me. Specifically, a certain workshop led by a certain shaman who is my teacher and mentor today.

My father pointed him out in the booklet and said: “this one: Post-Tribal Shamanism with Kenn Day. Don’t want to miss it”.

Some foreign part of me leaned in and whispered “this is it- this is what we’ve been guiding you towards”.

The purpose of my sharing this is to express what led me to what I do today.

I am a healer, committed to teaching others how they can heal too.

I’m here to remind you of your power- to awaken the light within those who, like me, have questioned their worth and dimmed their fire.

I’m an awakened woman following her calling, simple as that.

***Part 4 Coming Soon***

I offer 1:1 healing sessions virtually through Zoom.

More information on the services I provide can be found here.

** My Soul-Self Tribe receives 2 complimentary healing sessions per year **

It isn’t easy.

Why would it be?

It’s gruelling, heavy.

It turns your knuckles red, then white.

It fills your belly with a nauseating twist that nothing but total surrender can alleviate.

It’s the healing our ancestors yearned for, but oftentimes fell short of receiving.

It’s the work our spirit craves and our minds detest.

We do it anyway.

The truth is, I don’t know what the hell I am doing.

I don’t know why my body moves the way it does, but I believe in the intelligence of these bones and tendons, the chi that flows within.

I don’t understand the words that fly from my lips, a language my human brain cannot fathom.

I sing it anyway.

I cannot fully comprehend what is happening when I go into a state of trance. Intentional or not, it is still a mystery.

These days, I try not to question it so much.

The more I try to understand, the easier it is to get lost in the chatter.

What is real?

What is not real?

...

How does it feel?

The feeling ~ now that is something I can get lost in.

‘Does it make me feel peace?’

‘Does it feel like home?’

‘Does it feel spacious? Timeless?’

Lean in. Go deeper. Remember.

It is not so far away, it’s not this unreachable state of being.

It’s here, my heart.

My, how long has it been, since last I listened?

I’m realising everything has a sort of ‘hum’.

The World Tree, for example, emits this beautiful, low vibration.

A hum, if you will.

It seems to be comprised of every tone in the universe at once, resonating in a way I would imagine a baby to perceive the mother who carries her/him in the womb.

When I bring my hands to the trunk, there is this magnificent feeling of unconditional love that seems to roll in waves from the World Tree into my inner-most being.

There really is no way to describe the peace of this moment.

Perhaps this is why we hug trees and speak to the wildflowers.

Some small part of us knows of the source we all come from; senses its reflection in nature.

We know there is more to this universe than can be proven by science, or judged by our eyes.

My studies with my teacher, Kenn Day, have shown me this, in a way my intellectual brain has given up trying to rebut.

The experiences have struck a chord so deeply within me there is no going back to who I was before.

I remember the first time I met my Ongod, or spirit ally.

I emerged in my shamanic body and there they were, a presence so immense it took me several minutes to confirm what I was sensing.

I was so excited. “Finally, my teacher is here!”

Still in the beginning of my training, I had not yet properly learned the art of observation.

Needless to say, much of my meetings with my Ongod to follow were entirely of my own mind’s making.

I am skeptical of what I see.

A necessary trait to make use of when engaging in spirit flight.

There must be a balance between trust/openness and scepticism, otherwise what is meant to be deeply transformative instead becomes a form of creative visualisation.

I’ve allowed my brain to intellectualise many a prior experience, and I’d like to believe I’ve improved somewhat in that sense.

The train doesn’t go running quite as far as it used to, carrying stories fabricated to make sense of the wild world of Spirit.

I’ve learned to be okay with not understanding the bigger picture.

Nearly every morning now, I go into a state of trance, triggered by some sort of movement that sends me to places unknown.

I don’t believe it’s supposed to make sense just yet.

When I let go of the need to control, I released myself of shackles I used to depend upon so greatly to keep me safe.

Without the safety net, I can truly fly.

In this life, I have been quite blessed.

I can see, I can speak, I can dance.

I have hands, which allow me to write, to paint, to play guitar. To build, to provide for others, to connect me with the word.

I have feet that guide me and a mind limitless in its potential to learn and discover.

I have water, sunlight, the ability to express and create.

I cannot complain.

Yet, I wonder: With the power I have, what can I do with it?

How can I be of service?

After spending so many years tending to our wounds, eventually, we look up.

What now? Left? Right? Up? Down? Where am I needed? To what do I feel called?

These questions were what brought me to the work I do today.

They are questions I still ask myself, and continue to find new answers for.

Such is the beauty of life: we never stop asking, and life never stops speaking back.

I offer 1:1 healing sessions virtually through Zoom.

More information on the services I provide can be found here.

** My Soul-Self Tribe receives 2 complimentary healing sessions per year **

Slowly covers the sun

And passes by

Where does it come from

Why all alone

What has it learned in the places it’s flown

Are there friends it is meeting

Do they look the same as him

Or her

Or them

Do they ever meet again

A cloud’s fleeting journey

How wise a cloud must be

To see so much of the world

With no words for it to speak

Will it dissolve into the sky

Within mere minutes of its birth

Will it become one with the droplets

That free-fall to the Earth

Does a cloud get to decide

Where it goes next

What it becomes

Does it fearfully cling to life

And shout “I haven’t lived enough”

Or does it in its final moment

Whisper

“I have lived and I have loved”

I was barely an adult when I grieved the loss of my older brother.

He was like the sun, illuminating the way for everyone around him.

I wonder how many people knew the depth of his burdens, the painful memories that kept him awake at night.

^^^ My beautiful brother, Kristian Alexander, Bear, KB, the golden one. ^^^

We processed our trauma differently yet both held anger in our hearts toward the other, growing distant throughout our childhood until we were mere strangers living under the same roof.

In all our years together, I have only 3 memories of being held by him. Once when we were children, once at my graduation party, once a week before his death.

I wanted more time.

Something changed between us when I turned 18. I’m not sure if it was because I was no longer a child, because I had continued to put myself in dangerous situations and he was merely worried about me, or if he started to enter a stage of healing and no longer blamed me for how things went when we were young.

The truth is, neither of us ever spoke about what happened back then.

He was five years older- he certainly had more vivid memories than me.

What I remembered gave me nightmares. I remember the pain, the suffering, the isolation from my siblings.

I believe his memories contained many beautiful components. The picnics, the camping trips, the holidays and birthdays.

I didn’t have that luxury.

Perhaps the reason we grew apart was because he blamed me for everything going wrong, for the bright days turning dark. For us being ripped away from everything we had ever known.

Perhaps I blamed him because I was jealous. I wanted happy memories too.

Sometimes he’d surprise me with a phone call:

“I’m driving your way, want to go for a ride?”

He’d pick me up in his old truck, music playing, windows down, summer sun shining a warm glow upon his smiling face.

We didn’t really talk, just enjoyed each other’s company.

I don’t think either of us really knew what to say.

He was so excited to celebrate my 21st birthday, bringing it up every time we were together.

“I’ll introduce you to my friends” he’d tell me with his chest puffed out.

He died when I was 20.

We were just beginning to get close.

I wasn’t ready for his sudden departure.

Two summers later, I formed a trauma bond with a woman who shook me to my core.

She was like a great storm, stirring up all kinds of raw emotion and unhealed trauma.

A heartbreaking, bone-crushing whirlwind of exhilaration and torment that brought me to my knees.

I fell madly in love.

She was carefree and fascinated with life, always ready for an adventure. A free-spirit ever on the move.

But the adventures had such highs and lows, and when we hit those lows they tore me to shreds.

To her, it was all a high. The only low perhaps being the day I left her behind.

Lucky for her, she has a talent for moving on quickly.

It was a recurring theme of mine to choose partners who needed someone to mother them, to enable their behavior, to make them feel seen and loved.

I’ve always been like a moth to a flame when it came to those in need.

I wanted so badly to “fix” her, tirelessly spreading myself thin to heal someone who didn’t want to be healed.

She led me into some of my darkest moments.

Hard lessons were learned while I slowly realized the importance of prioritizing my own healing rather than distracting myself by attempting to heal others.

It felt as though every time I made progress I would meet someone who pulled me back into old familiar territory.

I ended my final abusive relationship in March of 2022. Following this, I became much more cautious when it came to the people I associated with.

I was no longer the “yes, and” girl who fell head over heels in the blink of an eye. At least, not for another 2 years or so.

What can I say? Blame it on my Pisces Venus.

I would tend to fill in the blanks of a person’s character with my own imagination, an action that typically ends in disappointment.

I never cared much for casual relations or spur of the moment encounters with men and women. I enjoy a deeper connection that leads somewhere beautiful.

Though free of the burden of an unharmonious relationship, I was still going out to the bars and some nights staying out until just an hour or two before my work shift began at 10:30am.

I was what you’d call a functional alcoholic.

I drank so much yet I never blacked out, always aware of my surroundings, barely stumbled, could speak with clarity.

I didn’t lash out in anger, cause scenes, embarrass myself or get rowdy.

But there were times I had a dangerous amount of alcohol in my system and would disappear to the bathroom for a while to catch my bearings.

People would wonder where I went but nobody ever worried about me, always assuming I got caught up in a good conversation.

Luckily for me, I made a promise to my bother back when I was a teenager that saved me from what may have been a drastically different life in my early twenties.

When I was 17 I dated a boy who was quite troubled.

He enjoyed seeing me in pain, worked hard to make me believe no one else but him would ever want me.

He mocked me when I sang, looked disgusted when I danced, eyed me with contempt when I became too buoyant and excited.

I may have mentioned to him at some point that my brother had marijuana, psilocybin and LSD because he bought acid from him one day after finding his number in my phone.

“Don’t give any of these to my sister, her mind can’t handle it” he warned.

I, of course,, was unaware of this exchange.

It only served to pique the curiosity of my then-boyfriend and I didn’t think twice when he told me to start with 5 tabs.

It was my first time and I knew nothing.

I didn’t feel anything after a half hour so he told me to take a few more.

I’m not going to get into this too much, but it was one of the worst days of my life.

I left this world entirely, and what I saw in the place I went I would not wish upon anyone.

I had a glimpse of it once before when I was 6 years old after a particularly trying day when I had an out of body experience.

This was far, far worse.

My brother eventually found out because, in my hysteria, I somehow called my Nana and jumped out of the 2nd story window (I was shooting for the tree - don’t worry, I maneuvered this rather well) after my ex locked me in his bedroom.

I suppose she called my brother in a panic who then convinced her not to take me to the ER.

He made me swear to him I’d never do any drugs. Plant medicine only.

Fast-forward to my twenties and I am glad I take promises seriously.

I watched my peers drink and do drugs, observing as they became further and further out of touch with their bodies and lose their ability to think straight.

I’m still not sure how I was able to party with them til’ morning without doing the same- I guess I just really craved some sort of community.

I have an addictive personality to begin with and I thank my brother often for keeping me from going down a darker path.

It runs in our lineage.

Our mother, Kaia was born on the Piikani reservation in Alberta, Canada and adopted as a baby by my Nana.

Growing up disconnected from her people, her tribe, her soul hungered for that which it could not name. This is where all addiction stems from.

I watched my mother turn into a person I didn’t recognise when she was using.

When she’s clean, she’s the most kind and loving woman. When on drugs, she becomes a monster.

I lost my brother to drugs.

I watched my mother dance on the teeter-totter of addiction.

I had my heart broken by a woman who could never choose me over getting drunk and high.

I learned what not to do based on what I saw in those I loved most.

I got tired of doing the same thing every night. I didn’t like how I felt.

I realized the people I was hanging out with didn’t truly care about me, because I didn’t care at all about myself.

When I made this distinction and began daily practices of self-love, the same old bar scene was no longer working for me.

It didn’t surprise me that when I stopped showing up, the messages stopped coming.

To be honest, I didn’t miss the drama or the hungry looking men or the women whose irritability would grow with each shot.

I didn’t feel sad for too long when I realized my friendships were dependent on how much I was willing to neglect my health and wellbeing.

I sobered up and started asking myself questions:

• “What are my values and how can I honor each one as part of my daily practice?”

• “What do I need to remove from my life so I can be at peace?”

• “What changes can I make in my daily routines to reconnect with my body and with spirit?”

I started meditating every morning, journaling in the evenings after work, making lifestyle changes and reading all sorts of books on spirituality, health and wellness.

I was committed to leading a different life.

I had this feeling for as long as I could remember that there was something huge, something raw and natural and life changing that was hidden deeply within my being.

I imagined a doorway that someday I would open and everything would suddenly make sense.

I knew something was missing but I didn’t know what.

I just knew I would never find it if I didn’t get serious about my healing.

The purpose of my sharing this is to express what led me to what I do today.

I am a healer, committed to teaching others how they can heal too.

I’m here to remind you of your power- to awaken the light within those who, like me, have questioned their worth and dimmed their fire.

I’m an awakened woman following her calling, simple as that.

***Part 3 Coming Soon***

I offer 1:1 healing sessions virtually through Zoom.

More information on the services I provide can be found here.

** My Soul-Self Tribe receives 2 complimentary healing sessions per year **

**trigger warning- mentions of abuse and self harm** - also, here’s a baby Umeya ^^

I struggled greatly as a child in a body that constantly wanted to move.

My father, or rather, early childhood caretaker, had OCD and a vast amount of stress from being a single father of three young children, a full-time job and crippling debt.

He could not for the life of him understand how one tiny child could be so impossible to control - try as he might.

No matter how severely he punished me, my spirit could not be fully extinguished, much to his dismay.

Several years later, struggling with PTSD while driving my Nana up the wall with my accumulation of dirty dishes and bedroom of chaos, I suddenly began developing an obsession with order.

There was a little voice was in my head that would sing ‘you’re gonna get in trouble’ every time I made a small mess of things.

It started out small: taking extra care of how I packed my backpack and laying out my pencils just right on my desk at school.

Then I began obsessing over the tiniest bits of clutter in the bedroom I shared with my older sister, folding each article of clothing perfectly and lining them up by color or type in my bureau drawers.

I would spend hours standing in my closet rearranging everything until all the clothes and jackets were hung up perfectly.

Then, I’d change my mind and do it all over again until the sun came up and my feet were sore.

My Nana saw the shift in me and brought it to the attention of my therapist and psychiatrist and soon enough I was diagnosed with OCD.

There were many other pre-existing conditions in addition to that, as is often the case with young children who have been dealt significant trauma.

They say “you have this, this, and this” and pump you full of medication instead of looking at the root of the issue.

According to them, I had PTSD, ADHD, OCD, bipolar disorder, chronic bipolar depression and anxiety.

In reality, I just was a hurting child who didn’t know how to do much else than carry that pain and transmit it onto others.

I was disagnosed with my first mood stabilizer at age 6.

By age 10, I was taking 5 different medications for various conditions.

By the time I was a teenager I was feeling so many conflicting emotions day-in day-out that I didn’t know if I wanted to set the world on fire or crawl into a cave and shrivel away.

Every day I was fighting for my life.

I had no energy and so much rage and I would release it all onto my Nana, the one I loved and trusted more than anyone.

Such is the way, right?

We know who loves us most and often that person receives the brunt of our anger, the bite in our words, our sharp and jagged edges because we know they will love us anyway.

My Nana was that person to me.

She saved my life. I was seven years old and she took the three of us home to a small town in New York.

We were supposed to be a family of 5, but her husband died just months before the adoption was finalised.

I’ve tried to imagine what that would be like; redoing all that paperwork, a single lonely name signed atop each solid black line.

I wonder how she did it, all alone. We were not easy - especially myself - not in the slightest.

She was 70 years old.

Today, twenty years later, she is 90 and still kicking. Bless the gods for this woman.

As a young child, I would often be accused of things I did not do and be punished severely in consequence.

My older siblings were never on the receiving end, and I never understood why I was singled out.

As a result, I grew up in constant fear of receiving backlash simply for existing.

I fell prey to its recurring themes in the dynamic of my social circles from elementary school until my late teens.

In my early twenties, I faced it in the workplace.

The theme here was dimming my light and making myself as small as possible to appease those around me.

The way I saw it, the worst possible thing I could do was inconvenience others.

In exchange, I would put my needs last and self-sabotage, giving all I had while neglecting myself in the process.

• I started smoking and drinking quite young as a means of escapism, tending to steal from my older brother and go out looking for trouble.

• I cared very little for my own safety because I didn’t see my life as something valuable.

• I harmed myself in numerous ways, fully disconnecting from my own flesh and bones

• I suffered from chronic back pain for years- the physical manifestation of my early childhood trauma.

• I would disassociate often, creating made-up worlds in my head of faraway lands with dragons, fairies, demons, vampires, mystical creatures.

I just wanted to be loved.

I was so used to being harmed and thrown aside that I hungered for someone to be my knight and shining armor and yet, he had to be “familiar enough” to what I knew.

Quite the paradox, yes?

I’d make myself the damsel in distress in these worlds I created in my head where I would suffer greatly yet always be saved and protected in the end.

I didn’t know what it felt like to have a man in my life who treated me with care and respect, no doting father or grandfather to show me what I deserved.

My Nana had her hands full, raising 3 traumatised children with vastly different and equally difficult personalities all on her own.

She didn’t have time to teach me about the dangers of the world.

All my relationships reflected the father wound within me.

I attracted angry men, cheating men, lying men, men who belittled me, men who gaslit me and men who used and discarded me.

Every time I met someone who showed interest in me, I would go all-in from the jump.

I believe this was due to the belief I had that everyone always leaves, so ‘I have to hold on while I can.’

It didn’t matter who it was, I would let them in.

This also had to do with something that I learned the hard way early on: ‘if I am quiet and still, the beating will be less painful.’

I don’t think I had any awareness at all that I had a choice.

I didn’t know I had the power to say no.

There was a constant shadow looming overhead that seemed to say “if you make him angry, you’ll regret it”.

It didn’t matter how kind he was or how loud or how scary, my reaction was always the same: ‘here I am. Do what you will’.

The purpose of my sharing this is to express what led me to what I do today.

It isn’t random or odd that I have suffered the way that I have. It comes with the territory of being a shaman. Mind you, I am not a fully fledged shaman at this time, rather, I am in the midst of my apprenticeship. Always learning.

I am sharing these glimpses because I believe it is important to show that this healer is only human. I have made mistakes, I have lived and I have loved and I have lost.

Even the full fledged shaman is constantly learning, growing, making mistakes. He or she is not to be put on a pedestal. They prefer not to be.

In fact, there are many whom, if given the choice, would choose NOT to be a shaman.

It is not something where we wake up one day and say “yes, I would like to do this”.

It is a role we are born into.

Chosen by the spirits, then called by the spirits, and when we do not answer the door, the suffering only gets worse.

This is what is called Shaman Sickness. A call from the spirits gone unanswered for too long.

This is the first of four parts in which I share periods of my life and how it all led me to the answering of that call.

The call that is ever guiding me, leading me deeper into my being.

The call of the Wild Woman, the call of the artist, the creator, the dancer.

The call that guides me to those who, like me, have felt small, lost; their voices quiet, their creativity diminished, their strength depleted.

How can I hope to facilitate healing for others if I cannot understand the emotions they are feeling?

How can I sit with someone’s grief if I have not felt it myself?

How can I speak to the deceased if I have not walked in their world?

I am a healer, committed to teaching others how they can heal too.

I’m here to remind you of your power- to awaken the light within those who, like me, have questioned their worth and dimmed their fire.

I’m an awakened woman following her calling, simple as that.

***Part 2 Coming Soon***

I offer 1:1 healing sessions virtually through Zoom. More information on the services I provide can be found here. If interested in booking a session, click on the “Services” page on the upper right portion of the screen.

** My Soul-Self Tribe receives 2 complimentary healing sessions per year **

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We’ve all been there.

We’ve believed the ones who told us we would never amount to anything.

We’ve stayed in relationships and friendships that made us question our self worth.

We remembered that one hurtful comment amidst the many kind ones.

An intentional (or not) jab at our appearance, our personality, something we said, our intelligence, a way we express ourself, can be such a debilitating wound when we already struggle with feelings of inadequacy or shame in who we are.

What do we do when we’ve finally had enough?

When we wake up and decide that doubting, disliking, neglecting ourselves, is no longer working for us?

When we no longer want other people’s opinions or judgements to affect our mental state?

We go inward.

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An Inner Dialogue

When you look in the mirror, how do you feel about the person staring back at you?

What are the first 5 words that come to mind? Write them down.

Are they mostly positive? Feel like compliments?

Are they mainly critical? Feel like judgements?

Are they words you would use to describe the people you love most? If not, the first step is creating a dialogue with yourself.

If one of the words was ‘ugly’, for example, begin by asking yourself the following questions:

• What is it about myself that I find ugly?

• When is the first time I remember feeling this way?

• Did someone call me this? What does the part of me who received that judgement wish to say right now?

By asking these questions, we are openly engaging our body in conversation. You’d be amazed by how willing our bodies respond to us when we do this.

Ask one question, out loud, and allow the response to come naturally, unforced- you are not thinking about your answer, you are allowing your body to audibly speak back.

Continue the conversation.

Ask follow-up questions. Really take time to understand where this is coming from, why it affects you the way it does, what you can do to rewrite the narrative.

You will reach a moment in which you have the sense of something clicking into place internally.

When this happens, ask yourself: “is this matter resolved?”

The body will answer “yes” or “no”. If it is not yet resolved, intuitively continue the dialogue until you can feel the shift in your body and the ‘no’ becomes a ‘yes’.

This is a beautiful practice that can be done as often as needed as a form of self-healing. And the best part? It’s not just a way to practice self-love, but can be used any time we feel triggered, anxious, uncomfortable, or catch ourselves in a moment of self-sabotage. Give it a try! 💗

Reshaping The Way We See Ourself

This practice is similar to the first, only much easier and can be done any time we are in front of a mirror.

When we wake in the morning and brush our teeth, during our nightly bathroom rituals, and every meeting we have with the ‘us’ on the other side, there is an opportunity to see ourselves, truly see ourselves, and tell our reflection just how much we’re loved.

It’s difficult to look in the mirror and say “you’re beautiful” “I love you” “thank you” when doing so for the first time.

It’s uncomfortable. It feels weird.

Our reflection seems to bristle at our words, the message unreceived - ‘connection error’ - since most of us is nowhere close to believing it.

Do it again.

And again.

Every single day-

until your eyes glisten with unspoken recognition, the soul and the body remembering each other at long last: ‘Ah, yes, so you are the one who’s held me all my life.’

Something happens not only to the chemicals in our brain and the structure of our own nervous system, but on a soul-level as well, when we peer directly into our own eyes and say with all our heartfelt being “I love you. Thank you for everything you do. I am so happy to be in this body”.

Welcoming Joy And Creative Expression

• Speak to the child within. Ask them what they love most in life, what their passions are, the activities they can get lost it.

Find ways to honor the little You. Go outside and get dirty, worry not about your clothes and the stains they may soon carry.

Grab the chalk and spend hours in the driveway drawing fairytale creatures and Disney characters and sweet notes for your loved ones.

Get lost in nature, collecting pretty leaves and stones that are smooth to the touch, or rough in all the right places, wildflowers to press between the pages of an old book.

• Get out a journal and write a list of all the activities that bring you joy. Hang it up somewhere you see it every day or fold it up and carry it with you in your backpack, purse or pocket.

The next time you’re feeling overwhelmed, overworked, disconnected or see yourself reaching for something or doing something that you know doesn’t nourish you in the way you truly need, bring your attention back to this list.

Treat this list like your instruction manual from your highest state of being, like a sacred text your most elevated version of Self came down from the heavens to pass on to you, because that is how important it is.

We are here on this Earth to PLAY.

We’re here to connect, to learn. By honoring the yearnings of our heart and our soul, prioritising our joy and creativity, looking at ourselves and saying the words: “I love you”, we are embodying self-love.

I offer 1:1 healing sessions in-person in Rochester, NY or online via Zoom. The work I do is on a soul-level, tapping into the spiritual, mental/emotional and physical layers of a client’s aura to remove blockages, heal trauma, and provide deeply transformative shifts within. Hands-on healing, divination and guided meditation can be expected as well.

If this feels aligned, you can book a session here

*** My Soul-Self Tribe receives 50% off any healing session for life 🫶🏼 ***

With love and blessings,

Umeya

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The Body Connects Us To Everything

From the moment we are born, our body holds all the information we have ever received, all the secrets of our ancestors, all the components of Earth and Sky.

Our breath is reflected in the wind, our blood connects us to the waters, our heart and solar plexus contain the essence of fire, our eyes hold the cosmos and our very center, the heart space, is a doorway that leads everywhere.

The Earth speaks through our movement; when we dance, we embody all life.

The first instrument we connect with is our own body- we use our voice, our feet, our hands.

This vessel is the only thing in this world that knows of every single thing we’ve ever experienced, all the pain, all the joy, the blissful moments and the ones that brought us to our knees.

It is our duty to honor our body, to take care of it, to nourish it completely, for it has done everything it could from our arrival into this world to keep us safe and keep us alive.

It is thanks to our body we are able to experience the wonder of life itself.

All of us have experienced life-altering situations that disconnected us from our body. We’ve endured traumatic events, been filled with regret and shame, wondering: “why did I do that? I shouldn’t have done that, I should have done this instead”.

This is an inward pointed message that the body holds- the shame, the guilt, the anger, all directed at ourselves.

I want to share something I learned from a woman at a Pagan festival several years back that heavily impacted me. Her name is Tegan Cohan and she is a trauma coach specializing in subtle body trauma release. She said:

~ When the body experiences a significant trauma, it reacts on autopilot- a split second decision where the body’s ONLY intention is to survive. In that moment, it is not blessed with the precious time to weigh carefully all the possible scenarios. The body does the best it can in a purely instinctual state of survival to ensure our safety. ~

It’s common, and I know this from personal experience, to look back on these moments with regret, frustrated and certain that there was a much better alternative. This is easy to say after the fact when no longer caught in a life-or-death situation.

Learning this new outlook from Tegan was a blessing, arriving just when I needed it, for at the time I had been struggling with various traumatic events that often came back to haunt me.

That summer of 2023, I began to be more gentle with myself, thanking my body for keeping me safe instead of feeling ashamed for how my body kept me safe.

Something else I learned from Tegan was the simple fact that the body has an intelligence of its own, and a way of communicating to us if only we would listen. Back then, this completely BLEW MY MIND.

Upon the completion of her workshop and my return home, I paid careful attention to my body’s natural responses to daily situations and environments I’d put myself in.

I began to speak to myself often, reminding my body that I was safe, how much I loved it, how grateful I was for being alive.

And you know something amazing? My body spoke back.

I would wake up in the morning and say, “body, I love you so much. What can I do to make you happy?” and soon enough I had a lovely morning routine that I faithfully honored.

I’d wake up, shaking it out as I brushed my teeth, coming back to the bedroom and moving my body… I didn’t do the typical stretches and yoga poses I had previously learned from attending yoga classes and dealing with chronic pain (that had since resolved on its own through - shocker - healing childhood trauma). *more on that here*

No, I simply tuned in to my body and allowed it to direct each movement. I never knew what was going to happen- it always seemed to be different, depending on the needs of my body.

This is an example of body intelligence. Every yoga pose ever was once discovered by some person at some point in time who listened to their body and moved in a way that gave them some sort of release.

What greater intelligence is there in the realm of movement than our own flesh and bones? No one could possibly know better than our own temple what is needed to feel good. SO LISTEN.

When you’re laughing, and smiling, and the world seems to open when you’re with someone who seems just as joyful and at ease as you- have infinite gratitude for this person.

When you meet someone for the first time and your hands get warm and tingly, your heart seems to grow bigger, you feel a great ease and peace within yourself- this is a wonderful connection.

When you are with someone and you get a tightness in your chest, a discomfort in your belly, perhaps even physical pain or stiffness in your back and legs, feeling weighed-down, overwhelmed and anxious- listen to what your body is trying to tell you and disconnect.

When you’ve been cooped up in your house all day and feel restless, the body will often send signs of discomfort - get up! Go outside! Your body wants you to move.

When you made a commitment to attend an event, go to a family gathering, meet with a friend for lunch, and all of a sudden your body seems to say - “no, no I think I’d rather not”… Please listen- it’s okay to cancel plans, it’s okay to change your mind, it’s okay to put yourself first. In fact, always make sure your cup is full before attending to others.

The body is truly a miraculous thing. How incredible it is to FEEL. Every discomfort, every vulnerability, every scar is worth it, for we also experience love, joy, bliss, wonder. What is your body saying to you, right now?

Love and Blessings,

~Umeya Lynn

*** I offer 1:1 healing sessions, 60 minutes in length, in-person in Rochester, New York or virtually through Zoom. ***

For more information or to book an appointment

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I used to suffer from chronic back pain. It never let up, no matter how much pain medication I took or how many stretches I did or doctors I saw- nothing seemed to make the pain dissipate.

I had begun to believe I would be spending the duration of my life suffering, back when I was barely a teenager.

I was 18 when I grew tired of it all, the weight I was carrying had become too much. I became interested in shadow work, self help books, spirituality. Early childhood trauma had impacted me more than I cared to admit.

I could no longer bottle it up and toss it aside to faraway corners of my mind. These issues demanded to be seen, heard and felt.

I went to therapy while making my morning and nightly meditations the focal points of my daily routine, moving my body when I woke and setting time aside in the evenings for journaling. The more I did this, the less my back pain seemed to flare up.

I didn’t notice it right away, but it was only a matter of time before my days of chronic pain and sleepless nights were behind me.

I stopped taking daily pain medicine, I was sleeping through the night for the first time in all the years I could recall, and my overall quality of life vastly improved.

The physical body, the mental/emotional body and the spiritual body are interconnected.

All three make up the totality of our aura and human experience; when one contains a blockage, another area may be affected too. I was experiencing chronic pain in my back because this was where I was carrying the emotional burden of my childhood trauma.

When I discovered the tools to help me navigate my inner turmoil, I gained the strength to peer into the depths of my pain, learning from it rather than drowning in it. The newfound serenity within my emotional body was reflected in my physical body.

The same can be said for the spiritual body. When I built a relationship with my ancestors, finding ways to honor them and communicate with them, various addictions slowly sizzled out.

I quit smoking nicotine, I stopped frequenting the bars and putting myself in environments that failed to uplift me, coffee was no longer a necessity and I worked hard to heal from a two decade-old binge eating habit.

I realized how debilitating it is to feel “cut off” from something. I never knew much about my ancestors and felt disconnected from my lineage and Spirit.

It was shocking when I discovered just how far the wound of separation ran. I was filled with rage as a child and had this overwhelming longing to be loved and accepted, but didn’t know how to properly ask for it or reciprocate it.

I knew at a soul level something was missing, so I reached for snacks, sweets, nicotine, alcohol, anything that would give me a short-lived sense of fulfillment. This in turn would stir up feelings of intense guilt and shame, which only further continued the cycle.

I found stillness to be the best medicine.

My mind used to run a million miles a minute, every tab open, teetering between past, present and future. I’d disassociate often, creating other realms I could run off to within my mind, like a character from one of the fantasy novels I loved so much.

Stillness did not come easily, nor quickly. In fact, it took several years before I could close my eyes and almost instantly bask in the sweet emptiness of soul awareness. There is a reason it is called a “practice”. If it was easy to do there wouldn’t be so much suffering in the world.

The beautiful connection between the mind, the body and the spirit is the healing journey in and of itself.

I’d ask myself: “what are the things that bring me the greatest joy?”

Most of the answers fell within all three categories...

Long walks: nourishing for the body, wonderful for the mind as it tends to clear away the racing thoughts and bring peace to the emotional body. It can be quite spiritual as well- just connecting with the body and with nature is one of many ways to connect with Spirit.

Art and music: such a beautiful medicine for the mental/emotional and spiritual bodies which therefore instills a sense of balance, peace, and oneness within the physical body.

Exercise, movement, dance: good old dose of healing for all areas. Who doesn’t feel better when they move their body? Truly one of the best medicines we have.

As you can see, just as an imbalance in one area can negatively impact the others, the opposite is also true. When we partake in activities and practices that nourish us on a soul level, our physical, mental, emotional and spiritual bodies all thrive.

We must locate the blockages, heal the trauma, integrate the shadows, and change the habits. The work is reflected in our natural state of being.

When we incorporate healthy lifestyle changes and do more of the things we love, we will find total union and connection with all that we are- body, mind and spirit.

*** I offer 1:1 healing sessions, 60 minutes in length, in-person in Rochester, New York or virtually through Zoom. ***

For more information or to book an appointment:

soulselfhealing.net

With love and blessings,

Umeya

We all have them - Those ingrained behaviors we call habits, formed at some point in our lives to instill a sense of calm in an environment that was anything but…

They were of use to us then because we desperately needed a reprieve from whatever it was we were experiencing.

The burning question then arises: does it work for us still?

Through the years we undergo immeasurable changes and eventually there comes a time when we realize our habits must change with us.

They are pesky, following us like a cape billowing in the wind, occasionally catching on the bramble of who we were before. This is where the ego wishes to keep us. Why? Because it’s cozy and familiar of course.

When a shift occurs within, leading us to question what has become ‘normal’ in our day-to-day, the old familiar critic of our mental plane comes knocking.

Say there’s a person who has a sudden desire to leave the house and attend a social gathering, an activity that doesn’t typically come easily for someone who considers themselves an introvert. They get ready and just as they’re preparing to leave the house, the critical voice says, “You don’t really want to do that, do you?”

There is an opportunity here to prioritize the exploration of this new social terrain, putting themselves out there in an environment they’ve avoided until now.

It’s so tempting because they know in their heart that it’s exactly the change they need; but even so, is it really a change that needs to occur right now, at this very moment?

There is hardly a hesitation - “There will always be another social event” they mutter to themself as they set their keys back down on the counter, reaching for the TV remote and hopping onto the couch with a heavy sigh that to some could resemble satisfaction and to others mere defeat.

It’s okay; It’s part of the process.

The truth is… It’s always going to be much easier to give in to the habit.

Yes, we could try that other thing we know is good for us, that thing that has our body vibrating with excitement and slight anxiety, enacting warning bells from the ego which does not like change in the slightest; OR, we could climb into a bed of soft blankets and pillows with a pint of Ben & Jerries ice cream and watch 5 or 6 episodes of our favorite Netflix comfort show. The choice really is ours.

This article is for those who choose the first option.

There’s a beautiful and uplifting transformation that occurs when we look at our lives from a perspective outside of our immediate physical awareness.

When we observe our daily habits and routines it becomes rather easy to locate the imbalances. It is suggested to write in a journal all the current habits that do not reflect the life we envision. If this feels difficult or there is confusion surrounding current themes, please refer to the following self-reflections:

• What inspires me the most and what can I do to welcome more of this into my life?

• What are the 5 words that come to mind when I ask myself how I typically feel on a day-to-day basis? Would I consider these to be mainly positive? If not, what changes would I need to make to change the negative words into something more uplifting?

• What has been draining my energy? What gives me energy?

Now, write that list of current habits and get ready to replace them with new and improved ones that just feel right.

The Life We Envision Is The Life We Lead

It all begins somewhere.

It feels important to note that most habits are formed as coping mechanisms to provide temporary relief from difficult situations, feelings, and environments. The longer a habit has existed the deeper ingrained it has become and therefore more difficult to break.

It is helpful to think back to the time and place a certain “sticky” habit was first born. By remembering, we are able to identify the root cause of the behavior which allows us to be more mindful of the situations and emotional states that trigger it.

This is a mindful practice that takes time so it is imperative we be patient and gentle with ourselves through the process. There will unquestionably be moments in which we succumb to the very behaviors and patterns we are trying so hard to release and it is a fools errand to go forth with the belief that ‘it’ll be so because I said so’.

It takes time.

We can have all the positive intentions in the world but the harsh reality is it’s never quite that simple. If someone reached for sweet, sugary foods as a child to distract themselves from a difficult upbringing in which they never really knew what was coming to hit them next, this habit may very well follow them into their teenage and adult years.

They will eat to calm down, they will eat to forget, the dopamine rush will have them reaching for more and next thing they know they’re eating every snack offered to them because it’s become muscle memory.

Some habits become so ingrained in our daily lives, turning into automatic and subconscious patterns, that they are then adopted as parts of the personality. This is precisely why it’s of utmost importance we be loving and kind to ourselves when we *inevitably* fall back into these old patterns.

The process to integrating new habits is as follows:

1. Observe the patterns, habits and routines that no longer align.

2. Trace these habits back to the root, understanding where they came from, why, and what emotional states and environments trigger them.

3. Determine which healthy habits and routines we’d like to introduce.

4. Observe when an old pattern is occurring. Take a moment to ask: “is this nourishing?”… If the answer is no, ask the body what it TRULY needs in that moment.

5. Be patient. When old habits persist, recognize it as an imbalance that’s in the process of being healed, as opposed to feeling shame and regret (2 emotions that are sure to keep us constrained) and spiraling into that old familiar place we know so well. *When those moment come in which we do this anyway, allow another moment to come in which we speak kindly to ourselves, and try again*.

The most important step has already been taken. A desire to make healthy and conscious decisions for the body, mind & spirit has taken root. There’s infinite possibilities, growth and blessings in store from this moment on.

May it be all we envision and more.

An example of how a shadow can be born is as follows: a young woman is singing in the shower and her roommate bangs on the door, asking her to quiet down. The woman in the shower may perceive that as “your voice doesn’t sound good and I don’t want to hear you” and convince herself that no one else would want to hear her sing either. This, in turn, could lead to an avoidance of singing in public places in fear of disrupting the peace.

A great exercise for determining one’s shadows is writing on a piece of paper “some of the things that I am not might be...” and allowing the words to flow without taking the time to think. This exercise opens the door to hidden parts of our personality we’ve neatly tucked away. Out of sight, out of mind.

This is where the work begins.

A shadow first comes into existence when we decide not to identify with a certain behavior, trait, or characteristic that we possess. If someone grew up in a large household where they were expected to care for the younger siblings while maintaining a clean environment and neglecting their own needs, a shadow that may have surfaced for them is one of being spontaneous or free. With so many responsibilities at a young age, a person with this history may go on to be quite structured with very little room for error, telling themselves “I have too many responsibilities to be spontaneous and wild”.

Alternatively, someone with the same upbringing may develop quite the opposite shadow. In this instance, out of resentment for the strict parenting they received and an aching desire for freedom, they go on to explore life and break free of the rigidity they despised so much. The shadow that may develop in this scenario is one of responsibility.

Integration

If shadows appear because we deny parts of who we are then the shadow work begins when we are ready to call these parts back home.

We begin to reclaim our own power and rise above the limitations we’ve imposed upon ourselves by integrating our shadows and returning to a place of wholeness. This doesn’t mean saying to ourselves “I’m a liar and a cheat and I wholeheartedly embrace it” but it does mean accepting that we as humans all have the capacity for lying and cheating and understanding that it doesn’t inherently make someone a bad person should they choose to do so. Instead, we might say something along the lines of “I admit that there have been times in my life where I have lied and I may be dishonest many times to come, but I love myself and I accept myself, knowing I am doing my very best”.

It isn’t easy, this process of integration. It feels foreign, unnatural, as we’ve grown accustomed to avoiding the very thing that we’re being told to call in. It’s akin to that strange sensation that occurs in the body when firmly stating “no more” to old habits, places and environments that no longer align with one’s values.

There’s a transitional period where one may go back to said environment or engage with the habit or hold space with the toxic individual. This is because for a certain period of time, that person, place or thing felt like home. It becomes uncomfortable when we make the conscious decision to enact change in our lives because it’s the first time we’re allowing ourselves to receive something better.

It’s the same with shadows- their entire existence is built around separation so it’s no wonder it feels wrong to reach out our hands and say “here, come with me”. This is precisely why the work is so important.

A Beautiful Process

The beauty of the above mentioned exercise lies in the vast number of shadows we all possess. The journal prompt will bring about the shadows most relevant which leads one into a process of integration. One by one we can welcome these parts of ourselves while getting to the root of where they came from.

Through observation of our triggers we begin to understand why certain things people say or personalities observed in others bring forth varying feelings and sometimes reactions from within. This points to the parts of ourselves that have been shut down, a beautiful opportunity for an inner conversation between the ‘self’ and what the self has suppressed.

Overtime we can come back to said journal prompt and see what surfaces. If there is a deeply rooted shadow it may very well appear again, alongside other words that hadn’t come out to play previously. We’ve all been blessed with a lifelong journey of self-discovery and healing and our shadows play a huge part in it.

“One of the things that I am not might be…”

“Intelligent.” Great, the first step has been taken. From here we navigate a new series of sentence stems. “The first time I remember feeling unintelligent was…” “The reactions I received from those around me were…” “This made me feel…” “When I am in the presence of highly intelligent people I feel…”

There are infinite ways to navigate the integration process but the most important thing to do after becoming aware of a shadow is to take the time to understand it. Where did it come from?

What is its story?

What feelings arise from the arrival of this shadow?

As one gets to know their shadow it can no longer be ignored or repressed because it has been given a spotlight and a name. At this stage it is important that the part of the self that created this shadow feels validated and seen for it is only trying to protect the individual, hence why the separation occurred to begin with. By going back to the moments in time when said individual has not felt smart, a conversation takes place in which one can rewrite that narrative and accept said intelligence as a part of who they are.

How Does One Know If They Have Integrated Their Shadow?

Let’s say there was a child who was naturally charismatic and funny, always laughing and expressing himself and unafraid to take up space. One day, he was at a family dinner party and excused himself to use the restroom. Upon his return he overheard a conversation between his cousins. “He’s so obnoxious, always making everything about him”. “Yeah, I wish he would just shut up”. This occurred when the boy was at an impressional age and the harsh words from his cousins completely shut him down. He exuded his natural Leo energy less and less until he barely participated in group discussions at all, finding himself easily annoyed at those he observed to be “obnoxious” and “arrogant”. Should he choose to open himself to this shadow aspect and slowly integrate it, embracing his natural charm and proudly taking up space, he would no longer be triggered by those who are charismatic as well. Accepting who he is with love and gratitude allows him to accept others as they are without judgement.

If there is no judgement for the self, there can be only loving acceptance for others.

It becomes apparent that each person we meet holds a mirror to our own internal realm. We learn, we grow and those we meet help us do so without even trying because it is simply in our nature. Human connection is such a beautiful gift where our emotions and characteristics dance and our understanding of self expands with each meeting. Life truly is divine.

For further guidance - SoulSelfHealing for a 1:1 healing session.

Love and Blessings,

~Umeya Lynn